Less Becomes More

Originally Published October 26, 2022

When you begin to pay close attention, you notice how what used to be so easy, becomes complicated. When you step back and watch things unfold in front of you, you realize what once was enough, is now, simply too much. Dementia peels back the layers of our lives and you begin to understand that in the world of dementia less becomes more.

The signs were there for a long time. I just wasn't paying attention.

It started with our Mondays. Monday is "mom day" - and has been for quite some time now. The day I take my mom out, to do all the "things" that need doing, together. It began with a run to the bank, a stop at the drugstore, some groceries, and then "Timmies" for lunch.

As we'd sit with our hot cup of coffee and lunch, she'd share with me. It was new, her sharing. Opening up about the past, sharing stories of the heart pain she had never spoken of before. This time together had become a gift. I was learning about my mom in ways I hadn't ever understood. That weekly Timmie's coffee opened the door to understanding and appreciation. In ways, I'd never had before. I was grateful to begin to see my mom in this new light and was eager to watch more unfolding with her.

Gradually, things changed. So gradually that I didn't really notice at first.

Soon what my mom could manage on any one Monday became less and less. Today, it's either a trip to the grocery store OR the drugstore, rarely both. And Timmie's is now a drive-through experience on our way home. Dementia has now invited confusion and anxiety to our Mondays. Those conversations of close connection, are now few and far between. It is only as I sit writing this that I realize just how few they are now. I miss my mom. I miss that window of opportunity where we began to truly see and understand each other. I grieve.

Mondays are now short trips - usually to the grocer. The list is much shorter, and it is an exact copy of the one she had last week and the week before. I can see that by copying the list, she still feels in control, and maybe, just maybe I won't quite notice that it is no longer easy for her to write the long list of grocery items. Less has become more. Less is what she can manage without confusion, fear, or anxiety. Less allows her to still feel she has some control and some wit about her. I am sure she grieves.

Mondays are now a short routine, and she knows exactly what to expect. My daughter now joins us. Her granddaughter is a solid foundation, where she connects and feels safe, where she still feels like a grandma. They have a connection that is close and loving - no words need to be spoken between them. They flow together like waves in the ocean. They have a dance that is based on pure joy and love. Together. This dance is what helps our Mondays go smoothly. It is a beautiful dance, that I am so grateful to be witness to - and I envy.

I grieve.

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Some tips for keeping things simple while supporting someone with dementia:

• use short sentences and names - not pronouns

• keep gatherings small, alleviate distractions and over-stimulation

• keep conversations on one topic, and focus on one task at a time

• keep questions simple and few, giving lots of time for a response

• don't rush

Resource for Dementia Care: Crisis Prevention Institute

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About the author:

Karen Hendrickson is an Elevation Coach, focused on helping others to rewrite their life story, befriend their mortality, and find the richness and magic that lives at the intersection of our lives where life and death meet. When we allow our authentic self permission to shine our life becomes full of MAGIC and GREATNESS.  Contact karenttjourney@gmail.com and start working with her today!