The In-Between

Originally Published February 26, 2023

In-between: definition - situated somewhere between two extremes or recognized categories

I often wonder what it must be like to be living in the "in-between". Between the knowing and not knowing. Knowing enough to know you don't know, yet also not knowing the expansiveness of that which you no longer do know.

What does it feel like to look into the eyes of the one who cares for you, and struggle for the words, the thoughts? Not being able to find them, and yet still knowing enough to know that you once could. What does it feel like to be in this "in-between"? Today, my mom lives here, in every waking moment of every day, situated somewhere between these two extremes; the knowing and not knowing.

As her caregiver, I receive the look, and bearing witness to this struggle is more than heartbreaking. There are no words deep enough, meaningful enough, to describe how it feels to be the watcher. I can physically see her pain, her frustration, and the fear in her eyes. I hear the shame and embarrassment she carries in "knowing she doesn't know", as she hangs her head, and her entire being shrinks before my eyes.

This "in-between" is both cruel and ruthless, and there is nothing that can be said or done to lessen the weight for her. It is so hard, some days I wish she were on the other side - the side where there is no remembering at all. Where she would no longer have the internal battle of what was and what she is becoming; no thought about knowing or not knowing. She simply wouldn't know. There would be no further inner battle. Yet what an ugly and heart-wrenching thing to wish for. In truth, what I really wish for her is peace, however that might come. Let's just fast-track to peace.

In the meantime, this land of the "in-between" creates distrust and disbelief in what others say and do. Those who love and care about her become suspect, and sometimes they're the enemy. The very ones who are keeping her safe, honouring her wishes, and doing their best to plan and prepare - they are the enemy.

This is me. I am the enemy. Somedays in this land of the "in-between" words are spoken that rip me apart. Somedays, no matter how much I tell myself it's dementia and not my mom talking, no matter how much I remind myself of all that I have learned in studying this disease, it still hurts.

Today, as I sit with my heavy heart and weighted heart pain, I cannot even begin to imagine how much more she carries. I wonder how she'd feel if she truly had the "knowing" of what she says and does at times and the impact it has on me and others. On those she loves, and who love her.

Truth is, I am living in my own "in-between" as I walk this journey with my mom. Always wondering what side of the road we will be on today. Alway struggling with letting go of the knowing side, and all that my mom was, and finding acceptance and peace to embrace the unknowing that takes up more of our space every day.

This "in-between" is both cruel and ruthless, and it's a really hard place to be.

I miss my mom.

_________________

About the author:

Karen Hendrickson is an Elevation Coach, focused on helping others to rewrite their life story, befriend their mortality, and find the richness and magic that lives at the intersection of our lives where life and death meet. When we allow our authentic self permission to shine our life becomes full of MAGIC and GREATNESS.  Contact karenttjourney@gmail.com and start working with her today!