As the Lines Blur - Dementia

Originally Published October 12, 2022

As a child, you can't quite imagine that someday, the parent you knew and needed as a child, will one day, need you - a lot. I certainly never did. In fact, even as I am in it, and the needs continue to grow, I still find myself shocked and surprised that this is where we are. Yet, here we are.

Old age can be both a blessing and a curse. Though the body may carry some aches and pains of age, when the mind is sharp life is still vibrant and full. If the mind fades, vibrancy also fades, the light begins to dim and the world closes in and can become so very small. We don't like it. Yet, here we are.

I am now the primary caregiver for my mom. She has mild to moderate dementia. She is my mom, and yet here we are. She looks to me for reassurance, for certainty. I am the chauffeur, the shopper, the bill payer, the problem solver, and the "finder" of the things she can no longer remember. She looks to me for the thoughts and words that no longer come easily; for the remembering of the here and now. At times it's an awful place to be. Yet, here we are.

My mom was an intelligent and determined business woman, working as an accountant at a local hospital from the time I was a child. She was organized and sharp. She was the problem solver and knew exactly where everything was. She was the money manager and the bill payer in our family. She was the one. Yet, here we are.

My mom spent the past year secretly managing her dementia until she couldn't hide it anymore. There are notes written everywhere, piles and boxes of papers are sorted in 5 different ways. Forever she managed her calendar with every doctor appointment, blood work, hair appointment, or lunch date. Like clockwork, everything that needed doing was on her calendar. This is no longer, as she doesn't remember. Yes, here we are.

Once was a time she was out every day, driving her car, running errands, doing her own shopping, and living her own life. Routine is necessary now. Mondays we shop and do what needs done. Wednesdays it's coffee. Friday her granddaughter comes to stay. Anything outside of routine requires lots of notice and reminders. Without this, there is fear, stress, anxiety and confusion. Yes, we are here.

In the beginning, the changes were subtle. I was often impatient, and even intolerant at times. As things have progressed I've felt angry, scared, afraid, and sad. I have felt, and still feel all these things. My plate was full - my plate is full, and where is the time for this? Yet, here we are.

So I did some research, participated in learning, and developed a much better understanding of dementia, and its impact on brain function. I have come to appreciate my mom does not have control over how her brain works now, nor all of her behaviour, nor the things she does - and doesn't - remember. I have developed a deep compassion for how she feels in the loss of her thoughts, her words, her independence, and her own schedule. I cannot imagine her own anger, fear, sadness, and grief as her world slowly slips away. As the light dims and her world becomes smaller. Yes, here we are.

I remind myself daily of the love and patience my mom gave me when I was little - when I really needed her. Now, this is what my mom needs. My mom needs patience, time to collect her thoughts, and her words - and she often needs help finishing them. She needs a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on. She needs to feel seen, heard, and included in decisions that impact her, as much as she can. She needs to feel safe and loved, and know we still hold her with respect and will do all we can to protect her and her dignity. She's my mom, and this journey has really only just begun. Yes, we're here.

As a child, you can't quite imagine that someday, the parent you knew as a child, will one day, need you - a lot. Yet, here we are. Yes, here we are.

________________

About the author:

Karen Hendrickson is an Elevation Coach, focused on helping others to rewrite their life story, befriend their mortality, and find the richness and magic that lives at the intersection of our lives where life and death meet. When we allow our authentic self permission to shine our life becomes full of MAGIC and GREATNESS.  Contact karenttjourney@gmail.com and start working with her today!