Who Was He When We Weren't Looking?

Originally Published February 25, 2020

February 25, 1979 - the day my brother Ernie died unexpectedly. As you can imagine this was a horrific and traumatic event that permanently changed me and my family. Ernie was 22 years old, and although he'd spent 22 years of his life with our family, I've come to learn that we did not know anything about who he truly was or the impact he made in the lives of others. Our family only ever knew him as part of our family.

Lately, as I explore the reality of my own mortality, and watch my 84-year-old mom reconcile and reflect on her own life, I have come to appreciate that who we are in life sends ripples far beyond what any one person remembers. Who we are, or who we were, has a reach that goes far beyond every person we touched, and every relationship we had. We leave imprints on the hearts and lives of others.

So, I went out into the world and started asking questions. Who was Ernest (Ernie) Gordon Turner? How did you know him? What do you remember? What stories can you tell? This is some of what I heard.

He loved hockey and football. He had a motorcycle, and a fancy black van with crushed velvet, blacklights, and a bed. He was cool. He loved his friends. He had his struggles too; and a time of much alcohol and drugs - rock n roll, platform boots, long hair, and leather jackets. Those were the days.

He was resourceful and brilliantly smart. Organizing neighborhood tabletop hocket tournaments in our basement; selling Eggo waffles to buddies for 10 cents, and doing their homework for 25 cents a page. He had big dreams and big ideas. He cared. He was a genius.

He truly was extremely brilliant; a genius, absolute brilliance. He was. He attended special enriched education programs and was more intelligent than many of his teachers - so I am told. He was a great friend. He was the "leader" of the pack. His friends weren't the smart nerdy kids, they were the randoms. The ones often ridiculed and ignored by teachers and society; the ones feeling "less than" and unworthy. The ones society often leaves behind.

These were his friends. I am told he, in all his brilliance, helped these friends to feel worthy - to feel they mattered in this world and had something significant to contribute. This is the imprint he left on their lives. I have heard these words over and over again in the stories shared with me.

In 1979 my family was devasted, and so were all of his friends. As a kid, I never ever recognized this. I never considered that Ernie was anything beyond my brother, part of our family. I never knew who he was when we weren't looking. It was described to me that "The Big Chill" movie depicts how many of his good friends felt at the time - and still do. Shocked at the unfair injustice of his death, and the injustice dealt to each of them as a result. Each of them having to find their own way, and make their own choices in life, after being impacted by the loss of their very good friend. The one who lifted them up and showed them they mattered, despite what others may have thought. It took me 41 years to recognize and understand this. This is who Ernie was when we weren't looking.

For my mom, it has been a beautiful gift to hear the stories of Ernie and know he made a significant difference in his short life. To learn who he was when we weren't looking and the positive imprints he's left in the hearts and lives of others. We never knew.

The imprints we leave on the hearts and lives of others extend further than we can ever imagine. When someone we love dies, we have the opportunity to connect and learn from others about who they were beyond the relationship we had with them. We can learn who they were when we weren't looking.

So now, 41 years later, I am learning who my brother Ernie truly was when I wasn't looking, and I am proud of the imprint he has left on this world.

In honour of Ernie, and this day, may you too be inspired to learn who your loved ones were - and are - when you aren't looking. And may you also show them who you are, when they aren't looking. You'll all be better for it.

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About the author:

Karen Hendrickson is an Elevation Coach, focused on helping others to rewrite their life story, befriend their mortality, and find the richness and magic that lives at the intersection of our lives where life and death meet. When we allow our authentic self permission to shine our life becomes full of MAGIC and GREATNESS.  Contact karenttjourney@gmail.com and start working with her today!