What Matters Most?

Originally published October 2, 2019

What matters most? Well, this depends, doesn't it?

If we talk about what matters most day to day, it could be simply that we get to work on time; the kids get to ball practice; we take care of a client, make the sale; buy the new car or the big house. In the pressures of our day to day, these are often the very things we identify as "what matters most".

Yet in our day to day, stress ways heavy, like a wet blanket on our shoulders ... and our hearts. Fatigue rests weary in our bones. Our vision gets blurred. As our head hits the pillow at the end of what seems like a never ending day, we can barely remember how it all went. Before we know it, the alarm rings and it starts all over again; battling through our day with "what matters most".

As a Death Doula, I have spoken with many about the matters of life and death. Whether in their senior years or facing terminal illness - at this stage in life what matters most changes ... a lot. In fact, I don't think it changes really, I think we just wake up to what really matters most.

I never hear about the new cars or the big house. I hear a little about their career, family, and community. I definitely hear about relationships; the good ones, healthy and full of love. Relationships that are cherished. Smiles will abound, and tears will sneak out over the rims of bright eyes, silently rolling down their cheeks. Hearts are full in these moments.

I will also hear about the broken, sometimes toxic relationships. Those that are fractured and have left wounded hearts. Whether family, lost loves, or friends, here is where the heartache is palpable. Where the eyes dim as the tears flow; where the heart sobs loudly. Broken relationships, broken hearts. The sound of this ache can be deafening. Here is where you begin to really hear, and see, what truly matters most.

What matters most is much deeper than all the things we thought mattered most in our day to day. It's in the human connection, the love. It is the people. The relationships we cherish; the healthy and the broken. What matters most is in relationships that have connected us and cracked our hearts wide open - or shut them down.

In his book, The Four Things That Matter Most, Ira Byrock, MD, explores this. His work in palliative care suggests there are 4 simple phrases that reflect what matters most at end of life; "Please forgive me". "I forgive you." "Thank you." and "I love you." I believe he is really saying that we want, and need emotional healing in all relationships, though we may not recognize it until we are near our own death. I think he's right. Emotional healing is what we are meant for. Healing ourselves, and helping others to heal. In the end, it becomes unfinished business, that we often want and need to tend to. Yet, at the end of life, it's also often much too late.

Ira Byrock suggests we can use these 4 phrases to work on emotional healing throughout our lives, and I believe this to be true. Since reading his book over 5 years ago, I have taken to be better at applying these principles in my own life. It isn't always easy - sometimes it's really hard to ask for forgiveness, or to be bold enough to simply forgive; to make sure you let people know you appreciate them, and love them - just the way they are. It can be scary and seem impossible too; yet it is the most rewarding. How great to build bridges and create emotional well-being throughout our lives. This feels so much better than playing catch-up on my deathbed. Doing the tough stuff in relationships now, while we are alive and well, gives us the richness of emotional well-being and healing, plus creates a deep healthy connection with those who matter most right now.

We were recently at a celebration of life "party", and it really was a "party", just as Lorraine (Tutu as we called her) had instructed it to be. The room was filled with people who knew she loved them. People she had debated with, disagreed with; people she asked forgiveness of, and gave forgiveness to; people she gave thanks to; people she loved. Lorraine was committed to speaking her truth, being honest, seeking forgiveness when needed, and always expressing her love for you. That room was full of love for her, created from the footprints she left on everyone's heart. Lorraine had left no words unspoken, no love not expressed. We all knew exactly who she was, and who we were to her. The riches of Lorraine's life were all in that room. We filled the room. Lorraine was rich!

In our day to day, we can get lost in the demands we feel life puts on us. Despite this, we can also work hard at creating emotional well-being for ourselves and those we love. When we focus on our people and the relationships we build; when we commit to emotional healing for ourselves and others, then the rest is not so hard.

So what matters most? It's our human connection, our ability to seek forgiveness; of ourselves and others; to mend fences, express our gratitude ... and to love. What matters most is our people and the footprints on the heart that we leave for each other. It's leaving no words unspoken; no love not shared.

I was honoured to be at Lorraine's party. As my bright eyes leaked the tears, and the wetness traced their way down my cheeks; as my heart burst with love and gratitude; I knew, in that moment, exactly what matters most. When my last breath comes, I hope the people at my "party" will feel the same. I hope to have left no words unspoken; no love not expressed. I hope they feel how rich I was to have known all of them; and that I have left footprints on their hearts worth remembering.

To me, this is what matters most.

____________________

About the author:

Karen Hendrickson is an Elevation Coach, focused on helping others to rewrite their life story, befriend their mortality, and find the richness and magic that lives at the intersection of our lives where life and death meet. When we allow our authentic self permission to shine our life becomes full of MAGIC and GREATNESS.

_________________________________

If you would like to learn more about how to be brave in your relationships so you can create emotional healing and well-being for yourself and others, contact me at karenttjourney@gmail.com. I'd love to share my tools for brave and courageous conversations that can help you.