The Obituary ...

Originally Published July 30, 2020

We used to read them in the newspaper. The Obituaries. Always a week or two, or even longer after the death occurred. It was the section we'd consciously turn to - especially on weekends. The Obit section was always a full house on weekends.

Our eyes would trace the names and photographs in search of someone we knew. As we scanned the pages, we hoped we wouldn't find anyone there today. Is there anyone we knew today?

And then, we'd find them. Right there on the page, often looking at us from their long-ago photograph. Stories of lives well lived, short lives, long lives, tragic death, heroic "battles" and all the people they left behind. Stories of courage and bravery, loss and sorrow. With a heavy heart, we'd read their story, details of their life, death, and funeral or service details, and sometimes we'd read "in lieu of flowers...".

We may have been surprised at who we found on those bleak pages of black and white, but we were never surprised that we were reading about death. Why? Because we had consciously turned the page to the Obituaries. We were looking for death as we scanned the pages.

Times are different now. Oh, I know some still get the newspaper delivered to their door and still turn the pages to read about death. Most of us do not. So learning about someone's death can come as a shock when we find ourselves in the social media realm, and there it is - right in our face, unexpectedly. Surprise!

Recently, as I scrolled through my Facebook feed, with morning coffee in hand. BAM! There it was. Bold print, sad emojis, and all. All the words of someone who had died. Wow! No way! Can't be! My friend just saw her. She would have told me. It was her birthday yesterday! Serious? I was shocked.

Ironically, I read about 4 deaths this week - all on Facebook newsfeeds. A couple within hours of the death; others within a day or two maybe.

I have been shocked reading about each one. Me. The one who so easily steps into conversations about death, dying, and impermanence. Me. Truthfully, I was shocked that I was so shocked. Why?

In this world of social media, it seems all news is deserving of the newsfeed. Yet, is it? Is it right to post about your friend who died, if you are not within the inner circle? Is it right to share the news before you have confirmed that family (or their people) are ready for you to do so? Is it right to read about your good friend's death, in the funny papers? The "funny papers" is a term I use for the Facebook newsfeed.

Reading about death in those "funny papers" isn't quite so funny. Not to me. I wonder ... can we do better? Should we be doing better in recognizing a loved one's death? So many questions. Yet, what's the right answer?

Some would say, yes - get it out there. Tell as many people as quickly as possible. Others would say wait. What about the loved ones? Should we respect their privacy in the rawest moments of death and grief? Are we sure the close important people have already been given the news personally? If not, shouldn't we wait? Or is it okay for them to read about the death on a Facebook newsfeed? like everyone else in the world? Should they be given their space to hear it personally, with a phone call and a conversation? Is simply reading about the death, and clicking on a heart or tears emoji enough? Not to mention being bombarded with posted comments, and questions seeking details of the death. Most well intended, yet often inappropriate in those moments.

It made me ask myself. How would I want my family and close friends to learn of my death? For me, a Facebook newsfeed isn't right. My loved ones, my closest peeps are deserving of the news in person - a phone call - a conversation. They are deserving of their own moment to personally hear it, step into it, and gather first with my closest loved ones. They are deserving of privacy that can embrace the rawest of emotions, and give space for them to breathe. I want my loves to have these moments for themselves first. I want them to have the time. There is no need to rush. I'm dead. Give them the decency of time. This is what's right for me.

So today, I pulled out my "When I Die" file and made some notes about my departure directions. Clear instructions about when to post about my death on social, along with a list of all the people I want to make sure are told personally. Yep. My executor and family will be making phone calls. Not emails, or social media posts to make things easier for themselves. Sorry guys. The people who matter most to me. The people who have shown me throughout my life that I matter. Those peeps - they will be getting a phone call. Guaranteed.

Once the calls are made, the words spoken, and space and time given; well, then, and only then, will you catch me in the funny papers and on the social newsfeeds.

Death and how we deal with it is very personal. For each of us, we may have different ideas about what is right for us - and that's okay. The important thing is that you let others know what you believe is right for you. Reading about my death first in your Facebook "funny papers" - isn't right for me. Yet, I know for many it is quite okay. And the great thing is, that's a-okay for them.

How about you? When your time comes, how do you want your loved ones to learn of your death? I encourage you to think about it, plan for it, and write it down. Because the truth is, you're not getting out of here alive.

______________

About the author:

Karen Hendrickson is an Elevation Coach, focused on helping others to rewrite their life story, befriend their mortality, and find the richness and magic that lives at the intersection of our lives where life and death meet. When we allow our authentic self permission to shine our life becomes full of MAGIC and GREATNESS.  Contact karenttjourney@gmail.com and start working with her today!