Quantity or Quality ... What Matters Most?

Originally Published November 24, 2020

As I left a visit with my 85-year-old mom yesterday, my heart was weighing extra heavy. These days I hate to leave her. Since COVID I have been her main point of social contact since March. Oh, there was a short stretch where weekly coffee with the senior ladies in her complex started up again, but it was very brief. And she does have her brother and 1 friend in the same complex who have occasionally gotten together - but in 8 months, you can say it's been rarely.

So here she is, 85 years old, sitting alone ... in her townhouse ... day in and day out. All for the sake of "protection" from COVID, to keep her safe (healthy) and extend her life. Yet, is this how any 85-year-old woman should be living her life now? 85 years. 85 years she has been the elder, the matriarch. 85 years. She's raised her children, helped raise her grandchildren, lost a child, lost a husband, 3 brothers, a sister and brother-in-laws, and good friends too. She has guided and supported all of us throughout her life.

And now, as she faces the final season of her life, the world is "protecting" her, by withholding social contact, social engagement, and the love and company of those who mean the most to her. Maybe she isn't being starved of food, but she is being starved just the same. Starved of love, companionship, touch, and joy from the very things that continue to give her purpose at the age of 85.

In these past 8 months, I have watched her joy become sadness, her wit become confusion, her desire to do things has become mute, and her life has become existence.

We are fortunate she is living independently (with our assistance). We are grateful she is not one of the 100,000s who are in care facilities, where they have not been permitted to "be" with their people. I have heard stories of Elders with dementia going 8 months without permission to have a family visit. Where once they would have remembered their daughter - now they have no clue who she is. Where once the only true loving touch received was from family visitors, now there is none.

I have heard stories of being down on our knees begging to be permitted to be physically close and to touch our Elder who is actively dying (and not from COVID) - and where the request to have them feel the love of their family, through touch has been denied.

Hospice residents are restricted for visitors and contact in their dying days. And so I ask. Is life about Quantity or Quality? Our healthcare professionals are focused on extending life as long as absolutely possible. The "protection" of our Elders, is doing exactly that. Extending the lives of Elders who are waining of all things that brought them joy and meaning.

Heck, Elders are even making requests for Medical Assistance in Dying because they simply can no longer bear the isolation. We've allowed our fear to create so much misery for our Elders some are even seeking MAiD as a way out. Think about that for a moment. What are we doing to our Elders, that this would be the only option "out" for them?

Don't get me wrong. A level of protection is necessary, to do otherwise is irresponsible. Yet to deny the care and connection of our loved ones is even more irresponsible. These are our Elders. The ones who have built lives through hard work and dedication. The ones who have sheltered and protected us, guided us. The ones who may have even saved us along the way.

And now we isolate, we warehouse, and we withhold the very thing all human hearts need. There is no honor in being left alone. There is no respect or dignity in having your Elder die in the midst of COVID - alone, not hearing the words of those they love, not being held, not being touched; not being honored.

This is where life becomes a mere existence - it is no longer life to be lived. My mom is 85, but no matter the age of our Elders, they are being forced to merely exist - when there possibly is some good life left to live within them. Life beyond a meal tray, a phone call, a grocery drop off, or a visit through a window.

Don't get me wrong. I fully know and appreciate the real risk for those who are compromised. My husband Paul is extremely compromised as well, and we are living an extremely "protective" life right now. One that I even ask of ourselves ... are we merely existing or are we living? Have we lost our way? Some days, I do believe we have.

We all tell ourselves COVID and all its restrictions - are temporary - it's just for now. In a few months or a year, it will be better. But ... is it temporary? Will it get better? What certainties do you have? Truth is, we have none.

All I know, is as I watch my mom I know her years are numbered ... and what if this is her last year? Simply because she's 85 and in her final season. Her grandson says "I would hate for grandma to die alone with her last memories being the feeling of fear, isolation, and empty loneliness." And he is right. There is no joy in that. There is no honor, no dignity, no love in that. There is only existence.

So I ask ... do we want Quality or Quantity?

What do your Elders deserve?

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About the author:

Karen Hendrickson is an Elevation Coach, focused on helping others to rewrite their life story, befriend their mortality, and find the richness and magic that lives at the intersection of our lives where life and death meet. When we allow our authentic self permission to shine our life becomes full of MAGIC and GREATNESS.  Contact karenttjourney@gmail.com and start working with her today!