I Thought I'd be Okay ...

Originally Published September 12, 2021

I thought I'd be okay. I thought I was prepared. I wasn't.

She was gorgeous, with big green eyes, and long fur that was magnificent. She was strong-willed, independent, and stubborn. Always a surprise ... whether purring or swatting you. She became a good friend and companion for my daughter. She kept watch at the window day and night. She spent 11 years by my daughter's side.

When illness sets in with no positive outcome, there's a hard decision to be made. After much conversation and weeks of contemplation, it was time. I thought I'd be okay. I thought I was prepared. I wasn't. We weren't.

I've been here before, saying goodbye to a family member - our beloved pets. On this morning we hugged each other and cried. A lot. We calmed her down with a sedative and headed to the veterinarian.

Welcomed into a serene "comfort room" we took care of details. The room was dimly lit, the energy calm. I couldn't speak and was rather shocked at the extent of the tears streaming down my face as we said our last goodbye. My heart was broken. I've been here before. but on this day it was harder than I ever imagined.

Harder because my heart is already raw from too many losses this year. I am broken and disappointed over the hatred and division that is occurring in our world. There is no peace. We are an angry world. Mother Nature is angry with us too. I am broken over social media posts based on division and hatred; us or them; black or white ... right or wrong ... there is no in-between. Divide, conquer, and control. There is no longer a respected right to choice or personal opinion. We are appalled with each other and cannot see how unreasonable words and actions are being fueled by our world's angst. We are an angry world.

I am exhausted from the "fight". My heart is broken, tired, and disappointed in humanity. Yet, I had no idea how broken, until I was standing there with my eyes on our gorgeous green-eyed Karma, saying goodbye. Sometimes grief flings the gates wide open and you can no longer pretend you're okay in this space and time.

I am not okay. I thought I was prepared. I wasn't.

Thank you, Karma. For traveling beside us for all of these years; for standing guard and keeping watch over Kaela in your own ornery and majestic way; and for letting me fling the gates of grief wide open and say " I am not okay".

Karma, may you rest in peace, and may our world ... somehow ... in some way ... discover it.

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About the author:

Karen Hendrickson is an Elevation Coach, focused on helping others to rewrite their life story, befriend their mortality, and find the richness and magic that lives at the intersection of our lives where life and death meet. When we allow our authentic self permission to shine our life becomes full of MAGIC and GREATNESS.  Contact karenttjourney@gmail.com and start working with her today!